Narcissistic personality disorder is far rarer than the internet wants you to believe, and yet, NPD is all over Tik Tok, twitter, and Instagram as the “big bad devil”. Statistically, “According to research data, between 0.5% and 5% of people in the U.S. may have ‘NPD’” (Cleveland Clinic). Perhaps part of this is as we grow as a more independent society, more people are seemingly selfish. Yet, simply having traits of NPD are not enough to declare that everybody in your life is a Narcissist.
The DSM-5 criteria for NPD includes the following characteristics to be considered clinically diagnosed with NPD:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria 301.81 (F60.81)
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack
of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated
by five (or more) of the following:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents,
expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal
love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or
should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable
treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).
6. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own
ends).
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Clinically diagnosed narcissists have at least five of the above traits. I have only dealt with one true narcissist in my 30 years on the planet. I will not name names, because the second you accuse an actual narcist of being one, there is immediate pushback—and perhaps even “punishments” that they feel are appropriate for the situation.
The numerous professionals I’ve discussed narcissism with have all said the same thing to be regarding dealing with a narcissistic person in your life, to summarize in one word, “Run.”
Often-times, dealing with the abuse at the hands of a narcissist is hard to pin-down, especially since there is so much love-bombing and admiration when you are the subject of their desire. On the flip side, this comes with infuriated rage, complete disengagement, and other forms of punishment when the narcissist feels like they have been wronged.
The reason I urge people to stop calling everybody a narcissist is that this belittles the true abuse that is felt at the hands of people who do have NPD. Whether or not NPD can be treated is something that involves a lot of therapy, and a desire of the narcissist to change—something that is very rare for true NPD. It’s important not to use arm chair diagnosis for people on the internet or in our lives, especially when it comes with such a strong diagnosis as NPD. Instead, let’s just use language like, “selfish,” “mean,” or “rude,” these terms are far less damaging to victims of narcissistic abuse.